Valentine’s Day has just passed. Maybe you woke up to breakfast in bed, maybe you had a quiet dinner at home, or maybe it was just another Wednesday. No matter what the day held, it brings up an important question: How do you like to be loved?
Many people enter relationships hoping to feel loved, but few take the time to consider what that actually means for them. Even fewer communicate it clearly to their partner. We’re often taught that love should be intuitive, that if someone truly loves us, they’ll just know how to care for us in the way we need. Unfortunately, that’s not how it works.
One of the most valuable things you can do in a relationship is learn to love your partner well and teach your partner how to love you. But before you can teach someone else, you have to first understand your needs yourself.
Love Isn’t One-Size-Fits-All
Everyone has different needs, desires, and ways of experiencing love. Some people crave deep conversations and emotional intimacy, while others feel most loved through thoughtful gestures, physical affection, or acts of service. What makes you feel cherished and connected may not be what makes your partner feel the same way. And that’s okay — love is something we learn, not something we read minds about.
But before you can communicate what you need, you have to know what you need. If you’re unsure, think back on times in your life when you felt truly loved — whether by a friend, a parent, a mentor, or partner. What did they do that made you feel valued? What moments stand out? If you can’t think of anything specific, that’s okay too — this is an opportunity to start paying attention and discovering it.
And if you’re not currently partnered, take this opportunity to reflect on something equally important: when have you felt most loved by something you did for yourself? Love isn’t just something we receive from others — it’s also something we give to ourselves. What is the thing you love most about you? How do you show yourself care, appreciation, and kindness?
What Did This Valentine’s Day Reveal?
If this Valentine’s Day was disappointing, ask yourself: What was I hoping for? Were you expecting a surprise, quality time, or a heartfelt gesture? If it exceeded your expectations, what made it feel special?
These reflections can help you understand and communicate your needs more clearly moving forward.
Sometimes, dissatisfaction in relationships isn’t about what happened but about the gap between expectation and reality. If you don’t share what makes you feel loved, your partner is left guessing — and sometimes, they’ll guess wrong.
Focus on What You Like (Not Just What You Don’t)
When I ask clients how they like to be loved, they often start with what they don’t like. And while that’s valid, it’s much more connective and constructive to focus on what you do like. Saying, “I don’t like it when you buy me stuff I don’t need” is informative, but saying, “I feel so loved when you write me a thoughtful note” gives your partner a clear, positive direction.
The reason this matters is because when people only hear what they’re not doing right, they often feel discouraged or even rejected. Many partners express frustration, saying things like, “I feel like I keep trying, and I keep getting it wrong.” This leads to defensiveness rather than deeper connection.
Use the Power of Storytelling
Our brains are wired for storytelling, and hearing a personal example makes it easier for your partner to understand what works for you. Saying, “I remember when you surprised me with coffee on a stressful day — it made me feel so cared for” is a much more effective way to guide them than simply saying, “I don’t like when you assume what I want.”
Be proactive in sharing stories of times you’ve felt loved.
Similarly, when dealing with negative self-talk, self-criticism, or feelings of self-doubt, ask yourself: What would the loving voice inside me say right now? Giving yourself the opportunity to learn about love from an internal perspective can also be a valuable step toward eventually being able to share that with a partner.
Teaching Someone to Love You (and Learning to Love Them)
Get Clear on What You Need
Do you need words of affirmation to feel appreciated?
Does physical touch make you feel connected?
Do acts of service, like your partner taking care of something for you, make a difference?
Are surprises and romantic gestures important to you?
If quality time is your thing — what does that look like in practice?
2. Express It Without Criticism
Instead of saying, “You never plan anything romantic,” try, “It means so much to me when you plan something special, even if it’s small.”
Be open about what makes you feel secure, valued, and cared for — without making your partner feel like they’re failing.
I like to frame this as begin with an invitation, not an accusation. When you start with “you always” or “you never”, it can feel like an accusation. When you begin with “I liked when you” or “It meant so much to me when”, you are inviting your partner into your experience.
3. Ask Your Partner the Same
Love isn’t just about getting your needs met — it’s about understanding what makes your partner feel deeply cared for, too.
Ask them, “What makes you feel most loved by me?” You might be surprised by their answer!
4. Practice Self-Love
Ask yourself, “What’s the most loving thing I can do for myself right now?”
Sometimes, that might be picking up overtime because financial security gives you peace of mind. Other times, it might be canceling plans to take a long bath or book a massage.
Prioritizing self-love not only strengthens your relationship with yourself, but it also helps you model healthy love for others.
5. Something Is Better Than Nothing
Sometimes, people get so caught up in trying to “get it right” that they end up doing nothing at all. If you feel paralyzed, remember: one small act of love is better than none.
Love doesn’t have to be a grand gesture — it can be a simple touch, a kind word, or a small effort to show you care. The goal isn’t perfection; it’s connection. Start where you can, and build from there.
Love Is a Skill, Not a Guessing Game
The strongest relationships aren’t built on mind-reading or grand romantic gestures alone. They thrive when both partners are willing to learn, communicate, and grow together.
So, take a moment to ask yourself: How do I like to be loved? And then, take the next step — let your partner in on the answer. And if you’re not in a partnership, start with the most important relationship you’ll ever have: the one with yourself.
…
With Love,
Kristal DeSantis, M.A., LMFT, CCTP, CSTIP
Psychotherapist & Author | STRONG: A Relationship Field Guide for the Modern Man Schedule a call: https://calendly.com/kristal-desantis Practice Website: www.austinstrongrbc.com Book Website: www.strong.love Instagram @atxtherapisthttps://linktr.ee/atxtherapist
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